OKAY. SO.

What Did A Chicken

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:03:01 -0400

badkidsjokes:

what did a chicken say

why do i have to go back to the egg aaaaaaaaaaaaa

I just saw a fat girl at a ball in a period movie and she was actually dressed nice and dancing with an attractive man.

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 02:49:53 -0400

The world is upside down!

Photo

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 19:16:00 -0400

"Overeating is the addiction of choice of carers, and that’s why it’s come to be regarded as the..."

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:51:13 -0400

“Overeating is the addiction of choice of carers, and that’s why it’s come to be regarded as the lowest-ranking of all the addictions. It’s a way of fucking yourself up while still remaining fully functional, because you have to. Fat people aren’t indulging in the “luxury” of their addiction making them useless, chaotic, or a burden. Instead, they are slowly self-destructing in a way that doesn’t inconvenience anyone. And that’s why it’s so often a woman’s addiction of choice. All the quietly eating mums. All the KitKats in office drawers. All the unhappy moments, late at night, caught only in the fridge light.”

- Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman (via hero-in-heels)

tomdickins: VERY PROUD OF THIS SMITHS COVER. PLEASE SHARE. Xx

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:42:11 -0400

tomdickins:

VERY PROUD OF THIS SMITHS COVER. PLEASE SHARE.

Xx

I don’t really like this album. I feel guilty. :<

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:08:45 -0400

I don’t really like this album.

I feel guilty.

"I felt I was on fire with the things I could’ve told you. I just assumed you eventually would ask."

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 02:09:31 -0400

“I felt I was on fire with the things I could’ve told you. I just assumed you eventually would ask.”

- Conor Oberst (via felicefawn)

Photo

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 23:20:29 -0400

pegthepatriarchy: 90’s television is perfect.

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 19:35:26 -0400

pegthepatriarchy:

90’s television is perfect.

Father's Day

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 18:03:26 -0400

My dad and I went out to the cemetery after church today to take some flowers to my grandpa’s grave. He was cremated so there’s no headstone, he’s just on one of those walls. But they have the whole family there and, somewhat ominously, there’s a blank one my grandma purchased a long while back for herself so she can be put next to him when she dies. I don’t like to think about that.

We decided to buy some flowers that wouldn’t be too gaudy or in the way since it’s sort of a community spot and settled on some very small white daisy type flowers (I don’t know actual names for things). As we walked through the cemetery I asked my dad what a good memory of my grandpa was. He talked about their family vacations and him building them a treehouse.

Then he asked me what my memories were. I was sad to say that I don’t have many. My grandpa died when I was 5, so I just barely remember him and he was sick for several years before he died so I mostly remember him in that way.

But I remember small things like taking carrots over to the forest to feed some of the bunnies that lived over there. And I remember how he used to make chocolate milk with a ton of chocolate syrup, much to my grandma’s chagrin. My dad laughed at that part. I think, when you have a lot of big memories, you sometimes forget the smaller ones. I can be the keeper of those, I guess.

I looked at the dates on the tiles and felt sad for my grandma, because I realized my grandpa had died less than 2 years after my great grandmother. It must have been so hard to lose two of the most important people in her life so close together and then go on without them for another 15 years. My grandpa also died on Mother’s Day. But my grandma never feels sorry for herself. I don’t quite understand how.

After we paid our respects, my dad said he wanted to find the grave of a friend of his who was buried in the same cemetery, so we walked around looking for him. The headstone said “Rev. Dirk Leben: Surfer & Preacher.” That definitely sounded like someone my dad would have been friends with.

He was my dad’s first friend in high school with whom he had bonded over their mutual love for The Who. The guy was a star football player who, after breaking his arm the first week of practice his senior year, trained himself in one-arm push-ups until he had one very, very buff working arm. This friend died of cancer when he was only 32. My dad says he looked more like 70 at the funeral.

My dad started telling me about other friends he’d had and the ways they had fallen out over the years. He told me about his friend Randy who worked for the FBI and got them involved in one of his undercover things and how my mom almost blew their cover big time and surrendered America to the Russians. He told me about how Randy stopped calling him and how he guessed some friendships just run their course.

When he dropped me off, I hugged him and said, “thanks for being my dad.” And he said something I almost didn’t catch, just a throwaway comment as I got out of the car that I think was, “I’m gonna try harder.”

Today, at church, I was waiting for him to finish up some things in the cathedral and one of the priests wandering around looked at me and laughed and said, “You and your father are exactly alike. You were like some kind of virgin birth. You couldn’t be more like him if you tried.”

I rather hope that’s not true, but I’m glad to know I’m like my dad in the ways that other people see him.

I hope people see his musical talent, his nerdiness, his mild manner, his humor, and his kindness in me. I hope they see the special things I’ve tried to take from him. I guess I just hope that I can take these things from him and add to them a little more awareness and selflessness and sensitivity. I mean, I really think that’s all that’s missing. The ability for him to just sit up and look around at what other people are doing and feeling sometimes.

Now, if I can just do that part, I’d be happy to be my father’s daughter.

You can have your sweet romance! Just sing me a swing song and...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 13:33:00 -0400

You can have your sweet romance! Just sing me a swing song and let me dance.

judyforever: Judy Garland and Van Heflin, Presenting Lily Mars...

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 00:51:38 -0400

judyforever:

_{Judy Garland and Van Heflin, Presenting Lily Mars (1943)}

rneowies: How To Do Everything Last Minute: A Novel by me that I am going to write later

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 18:48:41 -0400

rneowies:

How To Do Everything Last Minute: A Novel by me that I am going to write later

I finally got the kitty to purr...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 13:02:08 -0400

as I cleaned up her barf.

She was so pleased she couldn’t help herself.

I’m pretty addicted to this song right now.

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 04:48:15 -0400

I’m pretty addicted to this song right now.

humansofnewyork: “I rushed through life. Now I’m relaxing. And...

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 04:14:02 -0400

humansofnewyork:

“I rushed through life. Now I’m relaxing. And I’ve gotten more out of relaxing than I did out of rushing.”
“What were you rushing toward?”
“Achievements.”
“Didn’t you get satisfaction from your achievements?”
“No. They only caused me to want more achievements.”

The Quiet Moments

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 02:33:00 -0400

Lately, it is the quiet moments that are finding me. When things get busy and I am swept up in how okay things can be, I can ignore myself. I can hold fast to my own beliefs of optimism and thankfulness and unexpected destiny. But it is the quiet moments that drown me. When I am laying in bed at night or looking out the window in the afternoon or lazing on the couch in the evening, I find myself helplessly fighting off a constant onslaught of bitterness and regret. I wish I was stronger against it.

I am good at maintaining my faith in God, come what may, because I do not fall into the trap that many other people do. I do not expect God to grant me a life without trouble and I do not expect him to grant me wishes because I go to church on Sunday and pray sometimes. I have always believed that God created the universe and let it evolve and allows us to learn our lessons from each other like a parent. And I do think God answers prayers, but I do not think he grants wishes. I believe that the things that happen to us have their purpose and that sometimes the answers God gives to our prayers may not be recognized because they’re not what we asked for.

But sometimes things get a little foggy and I won’t deny that. Right now, I am devoting much of my brain to finding some explanation of how this situation I am in can be part of my path. I have a list of positives that I remind myself of daily. But I also have this vision of how things were supposed to be that is now very, very far away and impossible and sometimes it overcomes me. I wish I was stronger against that, too.

I am not good at maintaining my faith in myself, because I do fall into the trap that many other people fall into. I need to feel remarkable in order to feel that I have any value. Right now, I am so very ordinary. Maybe less than that. I worry that ordinary people do not achieve their dreams or overcome hardships or make anyone proud and those are all things I need to do in order to feel that I am worth anything. I have no home, no job, no money in the bank, not even a non-driving California ID. Sometimes I feel like I don’t really exist because there’s nothing on paper to prove it. I am floating in open space, hopelessly lost and suffocating.

I got myself $23,000 in debt to bide my time in a very small pond, where I was coddled and praised so much that I lost my trust in anyone’s honesty and ended up feeling even more talentless. All of that honey made me sick to my stomach and I forgot how to tell what was sweet at all. I am not a great musician. I love music more than anything in the world so I can pass. But I wonder if I will drown once I make it to the ocean. I am very scared of that.

I am a terrible person to love and to be loved by. Not just as a lover, but as a friend and a relation. I don’t want to be smothered, but I want to smother on my own terms. I want to be free, but I want to know that when I lose my balance, faithful arms will catch me. I want the security of being adored, but I don’t want the pressure of it. I don’t want to be left, but I want to feel the fear that you might. When things are too easy I can’t trust them and when things are too hard I can’t trust them. I need both. But both make me cry.

I want to trust my father. I seem the be the only one who does at all these days. I think I love him better than anyone else and I sometimes think I understand him and I forgive him for most things because of that. But every time I think I’ve cracked his weaknesses and have come to terms with them, I turn around and he is gone. I wish he could be the parent who helps me through all of this, but he is too self-absorbed. Every time I think we’re a team, I turn around and he’s wandered home to his own life again. Now I have to come to terms with that. With the reality that I am doing this on my own. Maybe I can. I wish I didn’t have to. I’ll be dropping the “teen” on my age soon but I still feel like a child. I’m told I’ll feel this way for a long time yet.

I’ve been housesitting this week and it’s wonderful. I love being on my own. But I don’t have the strength to get there and I wish I did. I have this deep fear of getting a job. I am not a stranger to working hard and I don’t think I’m particularly lazy. I’m terrified of proving to people how lost I can get. I’m independent in most things in my life, but not all, which I think is more difficult in some ways. I’m so terribly conscious of everything I owe.

Today, I was sitting in this chair watching TV but there wasn’t anything very good and the noise was making my ears bang so I shut it off. And I sat there. And I barely thought anything before the sadness overwhelmed me like a swiftly moving cloud and I suddenly felt sick to my stomach so I leaned my head on the arm of the chair and closed my eyes and went to sleep. Sometimes, I just can’t be awake to let it happen.

And it’s always the silent moments. When no one is around and I’m not talking to anyone or trying to be wise or listening to anyone give my own advice back to me. It’s always when it’s just me and my terribly muddled brain fighting against each other and churning everything up in my stomach.

I think of all the things I could have done and all the ways I could have made people proud and all of the ways things could be going differently. How I could have been a world class violist if I’d practiced every day in high school and gotten a better teacher when everyone told me to, only I was too scared of change. How I allowed certain people to hold me back until it was too late. How, two years from now, I could be making my mother cry at my graduation like I’d planned. How I wouldn’t mind being in so much senseless and overwhelming debt if it had been for a place I really loved and would carry with me forever. How that would have been so worth it. And how it’s not like that at all.

And there’s nothing I can do about it now and I know that and I accept it and I tell myself every day that this is how things are now and how life never turns out the way you expect it to and and that it’s the cliché in every movie for a reason. Because it’s true.

But, fuck it all, it’s still the quiet moments that get me.

I wrote that kind of nice blog about my dad last week, but lately he's just been making me so mad.

Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:17:00 -0400

And sad.

I really wish I had brought an instrument with me.

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 18:33:04 -0400

Being alone is making me feel this need to create and like maybe I could actually create something good since I’m finally in the presence of just myself and my thoughts.

I messed around on the piano a little but I really don’t know what I’m doing. I want my uke. Or even a guitar.

she & him songs don’t really stick with me because whatever but they are my favorite...

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 03:10:18 -0400

she & him songs don’t really stick with me because whatever but they are my favorite albums to have on a lot during the summer

they make me want to drive down the highway by the beach while hanging out the window

(obviously not as the driver)

(that would very dangerous)

(please do not do that)

this new album is no exception